Dangerous, Divisive, Delusional
Earlier this year I was invited to chair a panel on Positive Masculinity for the Festival of Dangerous Ideas. I was joined by fellow panellists; advocate Tarang Chawla, academic Michael Flood and writer Anna Krien.
I was amazed that the conversation on positive masculinity was seen as somehow dangerous, and quickly discovered how divisive that sentiment would be.
But some people are still quite delusional about what the problem actually is and what we need to do about it.
“Not all men are behaving in ways that harm women and others, but all men are responsible for the culture that condones it.” Tarang Chawla
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again! Evil rapey men don’t just come out of nowhere, they are the extreme expression of a culture that we normalise and give permission to.
We also know that men's shame is a fundamental driver of ongoing emotional dysregulation, aggression and violence.
But, right now, we’re not winning in the struggle against rape and domestic violence, in fact there has been an almost 30% increase between 2022 and 2023.
Whilst there have been some advances, the gender pay gap is still at 21.7%, and women are still not being equitably represented in leadership (business, politics etc).
But whether real or perceived, the gender wars, fuelled not only by mainstream conservatives, but also by technology and social media, has shifted society’s ideas in a dangerous direction.
And masculinity is the battleground upon which these wars are fought.
There has been an obvious swing in the pendulum towards women, but there is a perception, for some, that it has gone too far.
There is a perception that the focus on women has had a negative and damaging effect on men.
I remember when I saw the Barbie movie, I loved it!
But then I found out that Barbie made some boys feel bad about being a boy (and we’re talking about young vulnerable kids - who haven’t chosen the mask of masculinity - it is thrust on them - they’re not misogynistic douche bags, they are the sweet boy who is trying to work out what the world expects of them and continually feeling like they can never measure up).
This is because there is a perception that masculinity is seen as necessarily toxic, and men and boys are experiencing enduring feelings of exclusion and shame about being male.
As such, young men and boys are not having conversations about the complexity of this situation. They do not feel they can talk about anything to do with masculinity because there is a fear of being called toxic and being cancelled.
And I’m seeing this anxiety play out with their dads and mums and there is a real fear that the term toxic masculinity is causing more harm than good nowadays.
This has contributed to what I call a “Crisis of Masculinity”; where men and boys don’t really know their place in society, where they are profoundly disconnected and lonely, and where they don’t know how to connect with other people in healthy ways.
But in this ‘crisis of masculinity’ it’s toxic attitudes that are most dangerous.
Increased loneliness and isolation, combined with a general fear of being able to talk about these very important issues, has led young men right into the hands of misogynistic “alpha male” influencers like Andrew Tate or Jordan Peterson.
We’re seeing an increase in misogynistic behaviour in schools, resulting in many female teachers feeling unsafe and leaving the profession.
Right-wing terror threats make up roughly 30 per cent of the Australian Security Intelligence Organisation’s (ASIO) current counter-terror caseload, and recruitment from young disenfranchised or disengaged young men is the current priority.
Clearly, we have a problem!
But what can men bring to the fight?
Writer and advocate Tarang Chawla says there is a lack of positive role models in Australia and that we need better from our leaders in politics, business and especially sport. We still profile and elevate sports people, even after being accused or convicted of a crime. He suggested we make these men talk to their crimes and talk to their shame. To take accountability for their actions instead of hiding behind their ability to kick a ball.
Author Anna Krien discussed what she calls the “incarceration epidemic” and how the treatment of men in prison is not helping the problem. On average 1 in 3 perpetrators of violence were on bail or parole when they killed their partners. We don’t condone rape in society, but it is somehow accepted within the prison system. It is as if there is a certain amount of violence we accept against men, both in and outside of prison. After all, historically men have been expected to fight wars. Krien states, “If you don’t seek to understand violence, you’re condoning it.”
But we cannot prevent domestic violence without addressing the underlying mental health risk factors among male perpetrators. The boys and men most at risk of perpetration are “massively overlooked” because empathy of any kind – including delving into the complexities of the men’s lives – is considered by some to amount to condoning or excusing perpetration.
To this, Krien reminded us that we need to look at intergenerational trauma and poverty if we want to combat men’s violence. Professor Michael Flood who is a researcher on men, masculinities, gender, violence against women, and violence prevention, also commented that we have to include men and boys in the conversation but not just address their pain. We also need to take into account their privilege and power.
Despite the obvious issues surrounding men’s mental health, Chawla adds that these issues can never be used to downplay or minimise patriarchal norms and men’s violence.
When it comes to masculinity itself, Flood comments that “toxic masculinity is limiting for boys and men themselves.” After all, it is just one type of masculinity, not a critique of men as a whole. He suggests we “need to encourage men to de-invest in masculinity” so that they no longer care about it. We also “need to raise the bar on what makes a good man,” because, according to Flood, currently the bar is unbelievably low.
Perhaps most importantly, Chawla asked the question, “If a woman is being murdered every 4 days in Australia, how progressive a society are we?”
Clearly not progressive enough.
So what is the solution? Krien believes part of it lies in educating boys on the history of women’s oppression. Boys need to understand historical unfairness to grasp feminism. For example, women were not elected to the Commonwealth Parliament until 1943 and it wasn’t until 1965 that Australian women won the right to drink in a public bar. But boys also need to grasp the historical evolution of masculinity as it has emerged in our culture. It wasn’t always like this and so there is potential for change.
Chawla asked; “what if, even in the context of all of this, we didn’t give up on men? What if we still had hope?”
Krien added that, if we paint all men’s spaces as toxic then we are closing them off to forms of community and connection, and that has a very negative impact. They all agreed that we need to create safe spaces for boys and men to explore their masculinities without shame or fear of being further excluded.
But I think it was something that Chawla said earlier this year that has stuck with me:
Two things have to be true:
1. Male privilege is real, it exists. Men are not being discriminated against the way women are by virtue of their gender...AND
2. The individual experience of being a boy or a man can be really hard.
While the hope was never to solve this very big issue, it was a really important step in opening up these conversations to challenge the stereotypes, cliches, essentialist ideas and binary thinking (pardon the pun) in public discourse. It was an opportunity to connect as humans who genuinely wanted a more nuanced understanding of the resources that men can bring to these tough issues. It was a chance to uncover the positive strands in current ideas of masculinity, and the diverse identities and traditions that men and boys bring to contemporary life.
In any case, the festival of dangerous ideas was just what I needed. It was a wonderful opportunity to make new friends, catch up with old ones, and just allow myself the time to play with ideas…
Would you like to know more about how we can support you and your colleagues to embrace the messiness of being human so you can create a psychologically safe workplace? Read more about the outcomes that our Brave Conversations Workshop will bring to your team.
Resources:
Watch: Be A Better Human - Speak Out with Tarang Chawla
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sto0AjhV2TY
Read: Alpha Dogs and The Toughness Trap: How we can redefine modern masculinity by Dr Monty Badami
https://ethics.org.au/alpha-dogs-and-the-toughness-trap-how-we-can-redefine-modern-masculinity
Listen: Positive Masculinity (FODI 2024) - Monty Badami, Tarang Chawla, Michael Flood & Anna Krien
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/52wcsOtfUIpR1GLhFrzHpw