COVID MADE ME DO IT
So this week my wife and I broke up. Although I should probably add that this is not the first time we have “consciously uncoupled” during COVID-19. At last count, I think we were up to seven.
Nobody told me having a relationship and being an adult was going to be so hard...but add COVID to the mix and it’s been a veritable shit show.
Don’t be too worried though. You see, we're that household. You know, the one you really don’t want to be living next door to. The noisy, screamy, demonstrative, over-dramatic one. The one where we yell at each other just to say hello in the morning. We're not bad people, really. It’s just how we roll. We’re scrappers. We love hard, we fight hard and we play even harder.
But even though it only lasted for all of 2 hours, there was something different about our most recent “divorce”. We were measured and calm as we divided the assets and fantasised about what we would do with our lives when we were finally free. We genuinely evaluated where we were and where we wanted to take things. I honestly think it could have gone either way, and we both would have been fine with it.
But in the end, we decided that things weren't actually that bad, that it would be too much hassle to really break up. We worked out that we really do love each other, even if we don’t always like each other and our life sometimes feels like groundhog day on steroids. So we negotiated our next major contract review to be put on hold until after the kids finished school. It was only fair. Neither of us wanted to go through adolescence again on our own. In any case, allowing for good behaviour, and taking my wife’s plea for a reduced sentence into consideration, we could be out in 8 to 10!
But my point is that as we transition out of isolation, and mental health experts prepare for the impending "psychological tsunami" that is about to hit us, there is no doubt that coronavirus has placed increased pressure on our relationships…even the relatively good ones!
Either way, there is no denying that we have reached our "sliding doors moment". We are emerging from a turning point, and now we gotta work out what to do next. And much like the revelations we used to have after one of those life-changing nights out in our twenties, there’s every chance we’ll wake up tomorrow morning with a sore head and only a vague memory of that commitment we made as we watched the sun rise over a world of infinite possibilities.
You see, whilst the big moments bring our awareness to the stuff that we want to be different, it is what we do everyday that brings about the significant and lasting change we actually need. Real change takes time. And if we don’t do this right, we will just fall back into old habits and return to "business as usual", and all that growth and introspection will disappear as we realise that it's just too hard to turn those inspiring dreams and intentions into a viable reality. Or worse, we’ll make rash, life-altering decisions as a knee-jerk reaction to the discomfort we are feeling in the here and now.
So, this is where Sociologist, Jack Mezirow, and his 10 steps of Transformative Learning can help us work through the challenge of this moment and turn it into something useful. And they go a little something like this:
A Disorienting Dilemma - Holy crap, something big just happened! (sound familiar?)
Self-examination - Wait, what just happened? What’s going on? How do I feel about this?
Sense of Alienation - I'm a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.
Relating Discontent to Others - Really? No! You’re going through the same thing? I feel kinda great knowing that you are just as messed up as I am!
Explore Options - So what could I do now?
Plan - OK, how am I going to do this?
Acquire Knowledge - What skills do I need to learn to make this plan a reality?
Experiment - Give your plan a go, play around with it and see which bits work and which bits don’t. You can totally make some mistakes here too…that’s how we learn after all.
Build Confidence - Keep going, it only works if you work it!
Reintegration - Look at you! You’ve changed so much! You’re like a pretty butterfly!
And so as we come out of the spectre of isolation, it is very possible that we are entering the hardest part of all of this, so it is important to remember that you are not alone! Nobody actually knows what they are doing, and there is support available if you need it. Remember that this will end. Things will change. Nothing lasts forever. There is always another way. You got this! Just keep swimming!
If you or anyone you know is struggling, in Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. If you are having issues in your relationship, contact Relationship Australia. In NSW there are also a range of COVID related support services at The Mental Health Commission.